Taxi Guy and Pizza Man

Thursday, January 1st, 2004: Tonight around 9pm I’m sitting in my office, at my desk, and the doorbell rings downstairs. I glance up at my front porch monitor and I’m horrified to see a brutal killer standing at the door.

He’s got a cigarette tucked behind his ear, ratty old clothes and he looks fairly pissed off. Have you ever seen the 1990’s movie called Problem Child? Where Michael Richards plays the Bow Tie Killer? This guy is the spitting image of him! Here’s some proof – screen captures from that movie:

I debate on whether I should completely ignore him, talk to him on the intercom or run downstairs and talk to him in person. I finally decide to just let him murder me so I can get it over with. I run down and open the door, ready to quickly slam it shut when he lunges at me. He says to me, “Did you call a cab?”

He says that somebody called a cab and he makes sure that he’s got the right address. I’m relieved to find out that it’s just some kind of mixup. In the picture above you can see my reflection in the door. Look at that fear in my eyes! I notice that the cigarette behind his ear that I saw from upstairs is actually an ink pen. So anyway, we say goodbye and I go back upstairs. About 15 minutes later the doorbell rings again…

The pizza man shows up and rings the bell! It immediately hits me – somebody is fucking with me. I decide not to even go downstairs this time or talk to him on the intercom. He waits on the porch for a few minutes in the rain.

Look at this, the pizza man was picking his nose while he waited for me to answer. I sure wouldn’t want to buy a pizza from a guy who’s picking his nose with one hand while holding my pizzas with the other.

He tries the doorbell again. I fight back the urge to fuck with him on the intercom. I decide against it because I don’t want the poor pizza guy to think that I ordered a pizza for myself just so I could screw with him and not pay for the pizza.

Feeling defeated, the pizza man finally gives up and walks off into the sunset. I wait for more people to show up at my door so that I might talk to them this time on the intercom. But that appears to be the end of it. So I capture the pictures into the computer and post them on Cal’s Forums. In less than 3 minutes, a forum user by the name of zmaster admits that he’s the culprit. He says, “That’s awesome its not often i get porch cam screen shots of my hijinks….and i thought you’d like that triple anchovie pizza….i bet the delivery guy did.” I decided not to release the actual video of this event since it was extremely boring to watch a pizza man stand on my porch picking his nose for 5 minutes.