I Heart Satan

I’m sitting by the window here in the living room and a white minivan pulls up and parks in the spot where people usually park when they want to come and see me. They sit in the van for awhile, then old people start pouring out of it all holding notebooks and papers. “Oh shit, what’d I do??” I’m thinking. Then I quickly realize that they’re just door-to-door religious salespeople. They want to spread the word of God to me and my neighbors. The 2 men in the van head to Tom’s house and the 2 ladies start coming up my sidewalk. Before they even get up my steps I open my door and tell them “No thanks.” very politely and slam the door. I also snap a picture of them as I say it, but it doesn’t come out too good.

After knocking on all the doors on my street, they move onto the next block. But they leave their van behind. I decide that I should leave them some Satan literature on their windshield or something. So I start searching Google for good Satan pictures and text. But I don’t find anything very appealing. Finally an image search turns up a t-shirt that says “I [HEART] SATAN” which seems perfect! I quickly turn the image into a bumper sticker, print it up and run out to their van. After making sure they’re not on their way back, I slap the sticker on the van, take a few pictures and then run back inside. Aren’t I rebellious??

Less than 5 minutes after I’m back inside, the 2 men come back down the street and get into their van. I guess the ladies were still on the other side of the block, spreading The Word. Seeing 2 old church men drive past my house with an I LOVE SATAN bumper sticker on their van made me giggle uncontrollably. I tried to get a picture of them driving away but it didn’t come out very good. I’m pretty sure I won’t go to hell for this one. God has to think this is hilarious. Here are some pictures…


A bad picture of them, taken from behind my screen door

Their new bumper sticker

One more quick shot before I sprint back to the house

The 2 church men get into their new SatanMobile to go pick up the ladies

You know what makes this even more hilarious? These people are probably spending their entire day knocking on doors and spreading the word. And the whole time they’re going to have this bumper sticker on their van. Somebody might see it! And that’s just funny. Maybe it’ll even last until Sunday and somebody at their church will question it. Maybe they’ll get thrown out of church forever! Maybe God will think they did it and then not let them into heaven. I was pretty quick about placing it on there, afterall. I bet God didn’t even see me.

4:17pm – Mark Twain was a blogger. He started keeping journals around age 17, filling them with travel adventures, mundane daily stuff, drawings, girls phone numbers, facts, etc. I guess 50 of his journals still exist today and about a dozen of them were lost. Weird to think that if he were around today, he might be on LiveJournal.

I’m really enjoying his bio, read it on my plane ride home last night. He once traveled from Alton to New York City too! Well, from St. Louis to NYC, but by way of Alton. And it was more of the railroad/steamboat variety of traveling, not so much of the quiet 3 hour airplane trip traveling.

Joe stopped by today. After hearing about what I did to the poor innocent church people, he said that I can screw up just about any way possible with him now and he’ll still like me. Apparently I’m allowed to borrow $5,000 in cash from him, leave town and never pay it back and he’ll still think fondly of me. That’s the example he gave. And Joe is very religious too!

4:53pm – More about the barking dog on the street! I went to Richard & Shirley’s to pick up my mail today and got to hear some barking dog news. I guess the barking dog neighbors are being really cautious with me around since I wrote the letter. But apparently they noticed that I left for the weekend and let the dog stay out all day on Saturday and Sunday. Then on Tuesday night, after it’s out for 12 hours and barking Richard finally calls the cops on them! The cop comes over and files a report and talks to the people about their dog. The people have no idea who called the cops, but they speculate to the cops that it was probably either Richard & Shirley or me.

They’ll probably think it’s me since my car was back in it’s spot within a few hours. The dog people actually told the cops that the barking dog wasn’t the only problem on the street – Tom’s kids (and all the other kids on the street) were pretty noisy sometimes too. Which has to be the lamest attempt ever at trying to make himself look good. He also said he never lets the dog stay out more than 30 minutes at a time which is a complete lie. So all that is fun. I wish those neighbors would retaliate against me or something so I’d have something to occupy my time with! They don’t even give me dirty looks when I drive by. I’d love to figure out a way to make their phone ring nonstop and have a recording of their own dog barking at them when they pick up.

R&S thought it was funny when I said, “Hey you know those religious people that came to your door earlier? Look what I did to their van!” and showed them a photo.

Leaving New York

Tuesday, October 11th, 2005: Jammie wasn’t feeling good this morning and called into work. Her fever was gone by noonish and we went to Rosa’s for lunch. Been laying around together a lot today, watching TV mostly. Jammie is asleep again right now on the couch by me. It’s actually kind of a nice close to my visit. She would have worked until 6pm, then taken me to the airport afterwards. We would have only seen each other for a few hours for the entire day. So yay for sickness!

Current Music: Mya – Ghetto Superstar
Past Music: Was Not Was – Dad, I’m in Jail
Future Music: Stuart Nye – Cake for Breakfast

8:11pm – Jammie easily convinced me that JFK sucks. She can’t even come inside the building without having a ticket, so I’m sitting here for the next 45 minutes by myself, waiting for the plane to leave. That’s 45 minutes of our time completely robbed from us! Damn terrorists. On the upside – I didn’t have to take off my shoes for security. I guess they’re not worried about sneakers.

Personal training, shopping, darts, tree

Monday, October 10th, 2005: Yesterday, woke up and we drove to Astoria for Jammie’s personal training. I got to sit around for an hour, watching her punch and sweat all over the place which was actually entertaining. Stopped by the house, then went to little India for some Indian food. Did some random shopping. I bought SHOES! Baconstrips will be proud of me, Spessa will not. I got Jammie to pick out a pair for me since I lack any fashion sense. (Well maybe I don’t lack it, I just don’t care.) We tried to visit a $5.00 psychic but she was closed for the day. Even though she had her door open and all the flashing lights on outside. We later tried to visit some other psychic but she was on vacation. Damn psychics are avoiding us.

Stopped by Blockbuster and rented a few movies. Came home and watched Crash which was excellent. Then we went on a walk. Which turned into a really long walk. Which eventually evolved into going to a bar for a couple of hours and playing darts. I’ve never played darts before so Jammie showed me how all the scoring works and I KICKED HER ASS. Well actually it was a very close game but I did manage to win, I’m sure by luck since I generally suck at everything. We each had 4 beers by the time we left but Jammie claims I had more like 5 of them because she kept switching our bottles to make me drink more. I only caught her at this once when I almost dropped a bottle, expecting it to be light when it was really heavy.

Stumbled around the corner to some restaurant. Had some really great waffles, bacon and eggs. I forget what Jammie had but I think fries were involved. Walked home which took about 20 – 30 minutes. I had some minor issues with walking and failed each time I tried to convince Jammie that I didn’t. Fell asleep soon after arriving home.

Today I plan to wander around the city, probably in search of a Barnes & Noble, while Jammie works for a half day.

8:18pm – Rode with Jammie to work, had breakfast with her at McDonald’s, then wandered around the city as planned. Got a little work done in the park at City Hall. Walked around Washington Square, visited random shops, found a book store and bought H.G. Wells’ War of the Worlds (I really want to read that since I saw the movie) and some biography of Adam & Eve by Mark Twain. I’m really into the Mark Twain thing lately.

After work we headed home and as we were walking from the train to Jammie’s car, we noticed a group of kids throwing things up into a tree to try and get their shoes, which were stuck near the top of the tree, down. We decided to sit on some steps across the street and watch the action. This lasted about 30 minutes as they threw every thing imgineable into the tree, trying to make the shoes fall down.

They were taking long 1×2 boards, found in some nearby trash and throwing them up into the tree and narrowly missing hitting each other everytime a board would fall to the ground. Then they started stacking wood up against the tree and climbing up it. They stood on the edge of a deck, throwing balls into the tree, then another kid would run into the road to retrieve the ball. I’ve never witnessed so many unsafe things happening all at once! At one point, they had 3 of their shoes stuck in the tree because they kept throwing shoes up to make other shoes fall. Eventually, after 30 minutes of us watching, they got them all down and we left.

Here’s a kid throwing a shoe at the shoe in the tree Getting a few inches of air as he throws a board into the tree Kicking a soccer ball into the tree
Standing on a homemade ladder, reaching for the shoe with a broom Success finally! One kid picks up the last shoe while another cheers

Went home, then out to eat at some diner in Queens. Back home to watch Billy Madison, then to see a comedy show at a place called Upright Citizens Brigade around 11pm. Picked up a friend of Jammies, then met a few more of them at the show. I finally got to meet the infamous Antonio, a friend of Jammies who I hear a lot about. The show was completely free and we sure got what we paid for! I’ve seen plenty of amatuer standup and improv, but some of these people were awful. I did enjoy it though. Overall. They had a couple of pretty good standup acts. Some organizer of the show came out and actually bragged about being associated somehow with the Carrot Top movie Chairman of the Bored. And one of the acts involved 2 girls coming out and ranting on about charity in valley girl speak. That was, by far, the suckiest part of the suckage. But really, it was all pretty entertaining and we had fun. And Jammie managed to fit a nap into the whole thing.

Going to NYC, giving blood

Saturday, October 8th, 2005: Went to bed last night around 11:15ish. Fell asleep around 12:15ish. Then I woke up at 1am. Then at 2am. Then 3am. Then 4am. Whenever an early morning alarm is set for me, it’s impossible for me to sleep well. My alarm went off at 4:25am and I got up for the day.

Got dressed, finished packing and headed to the Angel Cream donut shop in Rosewood Heights which happens to have the best donuts in the United States. (I’ve spent the past 15 years doing extensive research on this.) But Angel Cream was closed at 4:45am and I didn’t feel like waiting for it to open so I settled on Hostess cupcakes at Quiktrip instead.

Drove to the airport and got on a plane to NYC. The flight took 3 hours (no layover) and was uneventful. I bought a biography of Mark Twain last night so I spent the entire time reading that and listening to mp3s. Got to JFK around 9:45am, Jammie and a few of her coworkers picked me up and we drove to Jersey. The plan was to spend the day at Great Adventure. But after driving for 2 hours, we find that Great Adventure is closed! All because of a little rain. So that was slightly disappointing.

Some of us had planned to give blood to the Red Cross there for free admission. So to make our trip seem like less of a waste, me and Jammie gave blood anyway. We still got the free tickets but they expire in a few weeks so it’s unlikely they’ll get used. I’ve been wanting to donate blood for years now. When I dated Tricia, I think we had several opportunities to give blood but she always came up with an excuse for why we couldn’t that day. I was always wary of doing it alone because I’d been told that it can make you light-headed and you’re not supposed to drive afterwards. After giving 2 pints (it looked like 2 pints, I’m not really sure and I didn’t ask) it seemed to have absolutely no effect on me all all. So I plan to do this more often now.

The questions they asked us before they let us donate were pretty amusing/insane. Besides all the basics of wanting to know what kind of prescription medicine, if any, I was taking they asked if I’d paid for sex in the past year, if I’d accepted any gifts in exchange for sex, if I’d slept with anyone from Africa, if I’d visited the UK or Africa, if I took heroine, etc. She checked my arms for track marks. After finally convincing her that I wasn’t a junkie or prostitute, I got to donate.

After the blood thing, we stopped to eat and then went home. Just kind of hung around the house and watched TV mostly. I kept dozing off and eventually fell asleep.

Crazy shirt-biting guy

Friday, October 7th, 2005: Last night I cleaned out the basement some more. It’s almost completely done now. Some neighbor kids helped me carry all the wood I had left over to Tom’s house. I took another full carload to storage, got some Tostitos for supper and came home. I might actually be able to leave this place by the end of the month.

I spent an hour last night looking through the Albany newspapers, real estate magazines and pamphlets that I picked up during Spring Break earlier this year. I found houses for sale there for just $10,000! I might get me one of those. I hope I can find another house to pointlessly renovate. I’ll probably end up in a trailer or manufactured home, though. I read the history of Albany too and it’s really boring there. I think I will hate it. I remember hating the people there the last time I lived there. Now I can hate their history too. You know when the hyped-up literature put out by the Albany visitors office makes it sound boring, it can’t be that interesting. Their biggest claim is that they have a lot of historical houses. The town is 150 years old so of course there’s going to be old houses there. Just like anywhere else in the country.

It’s named Albany because the founder (I think it was the founder) was from New York, whose capitol is Albany. So he exclaimed, “I can’t think up an original name of my own so I’ll steal Albany and nobody will ever know since it’s on the other side of the country!” At one point Indians changed the name to something else which translated into “hole in the ground” but the townspeople decided that wasn’t very flattering and settled on Albany again. I remember reading the history of Albany on the web once, and one of the highlights of their history being the construction of the movie theater. Another highlight was when Robert Wadlow, the tallest man in the world (who, incidentally, is from Alton), visited Albany. At least the literature from the visitors office leaves those boring tidbits out. I don’t know why I care about history so much, but it does matter to me.

It seems like nothing interesting actually ever happened in Albany during it’s 150 years. I’ve read 3 different versions of their history now and there’s just nothing there. Like in Alton we have man-eating monsters and it’s supposed to be one of the most haunted towns in America. Okay, maybe that just means we’re nuts. But we had Lovejoy, the slave rights journalist/activist who was killed by a mob here. We had the smallpox epidemic, Lincoln spent lots of time here and challenged some state guy to a dual with swords, Miles Davis, Robert Wadlow, neat caves, a one-of-a-kind bridge, indians killing children, ummm…okay I’m grasping for interesting things now. One thing that I remember about Albany is that there were absolutely no black people there. Just lots of burley white men with big belt buckles and moustaches. I kind of like the whole diversity thing. Maybe it’s a little different now, who knows.

Not that I’m determined to hate Albany or anything. It’s a nice little town, about the same size as Alton. When I was there earlier this year, I remember thinking that it was kind of nice and there were a lot of improvements from when I lived there 10 years ago. I just remember how much I disliked that place by the time I left it. I hope I’m happy there. I guess if it sucks too bad, I could just move to Portland.

I’m excited to get out of here though. It’s nice to have a good excuse to pack up and leave town forever. I’ve got a busy month ahead of me. Tomorrow I’m going to NYC. Then in 2 weeks Orlando. Then possibly the week after that Oregon.

Went to Bonnie’s today and we had lunch together. Ended up driving all the way to Edwardsville and ate at a place in downtown called Lauries. Was a 3 hour lunch, but it was fun. Went to Jamestown Mall this evening. I was going to go to 2600 but halfway there I changed my mind and decided I didn’t feel like being social. So I ended up at the mall, walked around, bought a book (Mark Twain biography) and bought a couple of really cheap shirts. In JC Penny I glanced at this old man with wild hair and a mustache. He had a packed shirt in his hands and he was biting down on it like a sandwich! I kept walking and he started telling me, quite loudly, how you have to do that to check something on them. He ranted until I was out of earshot. If I’d been in a better mood, I would have gone back and listened to his theories.

Went home and finished packing for my trip tomorrow.

Call my home


Thursday, October 6th, 2005:

After spending the morning being bored enough to take pictures of myself having breakfast, I then became REALLY bored and read the manual to my phone system. (It’s convenient to blame my weirdness on boredom.) This caused me to actually activate it’s PBX-like features and set up a small voice menu. You can call and leave me messages at 618-465-1018 or 409-515-0555. Don’t expect a human to pick up – none of the extensions in the house actually ring.

Bank Girl

Wednesday, October 5th, 2005: In a spur of the moment decision after spending an afternoon and evening being really bored, I decided to go New York this weekend. So nice how cheap flights remain even though gas is $2.99/gallon. I might see Jammie while I’m there if I happen to have any time left over for her. I arrive on Saturday and stay until Tuesday night.

RTF or Murd0c, if you happen to be in the city Monday or Tuesday, maybe we can get some lunch or something. At least one of you has my cell phone email and number.

12:17pm – As I was standing in line to pay for my Pepsi at Piasa Pantry, I was accosted by Bank Girl. All of a sudden I’m being hugged a lot and she’s inquiring “Waddup, dog?” to me. Months ago, we dated a few times. The very day after date #1, she shows up at my house at noon to bring me lunch. Unannounced. She spends the entire lunch hour with me at my house. Five hours later, she gets off work and comes straight to my house. Unannounced. I don’t remember how that ended but I’m sure I tried to figure out the nicest way to say, “Um, I’m kind of busy here. Go away.” to her.

I think it was the next evening, after she got off work at her 2nd job at 11pm, she tries to call me. I didn’t answer. 10 minutes later someone starts ringing the doorbell. I don’t answer that either. I expect her to start throwing pebbles at my window any second, but thankfully that doesn’t happen. Eventually she goes away. We went on a couple of dates after that and I managed to convince her that dropping by unannounced would probably always be a bad idea. Eventually we stopped dating when I used the copout excuse of “I’m moving to Oregon soon so it’s pretty pointless to pursue anything.” Instead of the honest excuse of, “You’re a psycho hosebeast and we have not one single thing in common.”

2:50pm – I knew it! I knew they would do it! The cable company accidentally shut off my internet. A few days ago when I was in the cable office shutting off the TV portion of my connection, I carefully confirmed with her several times that I was just shutting off the cable TV. Not the internet. I told her how last year when I turned off my TV after the summer, they accidentally turned off my internet too. And it took them several days to come back out and turn it back on. Well, they’ve done it again. Damn them!

On the bright side, the customer service lady that I just spoke with was incredibly nice and actually believed me when I told her what happened. She didn’t force me to go through the hour-long troubleshooting process. She didn’t blame my computer or my router. She just believed me.

So I’m using my backup bluetooth cell phone connection now and its speedy 56kish connection. The cable company is going to be here tomorrow morning to fix it. For some reason they can’t just call up the guy that accidentally unhooked it and tell him to turn around and fix what he just did. They have to set up an appointment. So I lose my internet for 24 hours this time. I really hope the cable company in Oregon is better than this.

Partly sunny vs. partly cloudy

Monday, October 3rd, 2005: What’s the difference between partly sunny and partly cloudy? Today’s weather report shows “Warmer and partly sunny. High around 90. South wind around 10 mph” but Tuesday night is “Partly cloudy. Low in the mid 60s. South wind around 10 mph.” I thought it might have something to do with day and night, but then Sunday’s forecast shows “Partly cloudy. High around 70” so that can’t be it. Is it just a glass is half empty/glass is half full type of thing?

Yesterday evening I was really bored and started working on some PHP stuff again, trying to customize my homepage journal a little more. I wanted to automate the updating process and have it update my RSS feed at the same time. I was painstakingly writing out this script, making sure that I had the ability to edit and delete and add pictures. I was making it so that it would look good on my Pocket PC and I’d be able to update from there. I did all of this same stuff just a few month earlier and it worked great. But it was all written in Perl and I changed to a webhost that only offered PHP so I mostly have to start over. Then I realized that this is all really stupid. Why don’t I just use LiveJournal, which already has all these cool features that I’m trying to build myself, and embed their code into my homepage. I suddenly don’t understand my strange desire to build everything myself. So that’s what I did – screw learning how to program. Here’s my LiveJournal.

So this is great! Now I have lots of extra free time since I won’t be so busy working on PHP scripts! I can use all this spare time to…

Dammit!

Mayor/Insurance guy

Sunday, October 2nd, 2005: A few weekends ago, Jammie and I were buying kool-aid from a couple of kids at a kool-aid stand in a driveway. And these shifty little salesmen-in-training give us this catalog of stuff to buy along with a sheet that lists the name, address and phone number of everyone else that’s bought things from them. We look it over while they’re slowly getting the kool-aid. To amuse Jammie, I went down the list and pointed out everyone I know. ‘I went to school with this girl, oh and there’s the mayor of East Alton – look what he bought!’ etc.

As we’re driving towards home, eating donuts and drinking kool-aid, I tell her the story about the time I tried to use the mayor of East Alton’s credit card number to illegally purchase a laptop computer. This was a little over a decade ago. Then we pass an insurance place and I see the mayor’s name, Fred Bright, as an insurance salesman. I suddenly realize I must be wrong about using the mayor’s credit card number. My story loses all credibility and I feel like such a liar. But today, while looking at wunderground.com for the local weather report, I see Fred Bright’s name again in an advertisement. I do a few Google searches and I find out that Fred actually is both the mayor and an insurance guy. So see, Jammie? I wasn’t making it all up after all!

1,000,000 Candlepower Light

Saturday, October 1st, 2005: On the subject of annoying Freecyclers, this girl arranges to come and get my couch today. It’s all done and arranged by email but I add my phone number on there in case she gets lost on the drive over. Even though I’ve given her very detailed driving directions in the email. She calls and and rehashes everything we talked about in the email. Then an hour later, some guy calls me (boyfriend? father?) to rehash everything that me and the girl talked about. He sits there and goes over the directions with me, step by step, while I confirm that yes, those are certainly the right directions. I’m really not as grouchy as I make this all sound and I am friendly with these phone calls and these people that show up unannounced. I love the concept of Freecycling and I like that people are coming to take stuff off my hands. It’s just annoying when people make it all difficult. Most of my Freecycling experiences really are positive.

Today I was at Lowes and, inspired by an article on Fark, decided to see if they had any handheld 10,000,000 candlepower flashlights. They didn’t and neither did Target. But They had 3,000,000 candlepower and under. I just wanted to buy one, see what trouble I could cause with it, and then return it. Then I saw a 1,000,000 candlepowere for just $9.99 so I just purchased that to keep. Might come in handy someday! I spent about 15 minutes, shining it in the neighbor’s window across the street. It was driving their dogs crazy. Finally he came out to see what was going on. I told him that from now on, I’m going to use the spotlight to get his attention instead of phone calls. That made the $9.99 worth it. This thing is super bright, too. The thought of increasing the power by 10 or 15 seems insane. And fun.

I really love Launchcast now. I’ve listened it off and on for the past year or so but never too heavily. I just didn’t think it was anything special. Then Jammie introduces me to a few of the basic features on it and now I’m hooked. I had no idea that it could do so much. Launchcast blows XM & Sirius away. And Winamp, Windows Media, FM, AM and mp3s. Screw everything else! There’s absolutely nothing that can do what Launchcast can do. The rating system is brilliant and I love that it can randomly play songs from other peoples’ Launchcast favorites. Yeah yeah, I know this is all obvious stuff to vetran Launchcast listeners. I’m just excited by both the new music I’m suddenly being exposed to as well as the old stuff that I haven’t heard in years, all in my own personal mix of genres. I signed up for a year of Launchcast yesterday, which I think was just $2.99 per month. Beats the $60 per month I was paying the cable company to mostly just listen to their digital music channels. Jammie kept making fun of me for that. Anyway, everyone go listen to Launchcast immediately. It’s great even if you’re not a subscriber.

Oh yeah, I took my cable box back to the cable company yesterday and canceled service. I’m now paying a mere $25/month for my cable internet, instead of the $85 I was paying before. Which I guess hardly matters since I’ll probably be leaving this place in a month anyway. I’ll miss the movie channels a little, but I can still download the good stuff from Bittorrent. The line in the cable office was terrible. There were 3 people helping customers, but one line. I stood there for about 15 minutes before it finally being my turn. About 7 people come in and get behind me while I’m in line. Then while I’m at the counter getting the service shut off, this lady comes in and tries to cut in front of all of these people by saying that there are 3 lines. Everyone protests, even the employees. She argues a bunch and eventually loses. But it was a fun battle to watch. It looked like she was defeated at one point and she went to the back of the line, then she came back up and exclaims, “There are 3 people at the counter! There must be 3 lines here!” A little more arguing and then she gave up again. Not sure if she went for round 3 after I left or not.

The other semi-amusing thing happening at the cable company was this guy there, trying to downgrade his cable package to save money. But at the same time he was wanting to trade in his current cable box for a cable box that had built-in DVR, which would cost him an extra $9.99 per month. I mean, if you’re trying to save a little money on your monthly bill, wouldn’t it make sense to just learn how to program your VCR to record your shows? VHS tapes are cheap! I should just hang out at the cable office all day. It seems fun there. It was like watching one of those wacky reality TV shows!

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