ChaCha search

[MattGSX]

I don't know if anyone ever saw the ChaCha search engine, where you can get a paid guide to help you search the Internet.

They can sometimes be most unhelpful:

Search terms: How to dismantle an atomic bomb
Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: CC
CC: Welcome to ChaCha!
CC: I appreciate your patience while I find exactly what you need.
You: No problem. For clarification, I need to find how to dismantle an atomic bomb, NOT the U2 album by the same name.
CC: Thank you for using ChaCha!
Status: Session ended.

Though sometimes they can be just as fun as a relay operator.
Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: ElizaG
ElizaG: Welcome to ChaCha!
You: Hi Eliza. Another guide just disconnected me. I'm taking some courses in civil defense and need to find an onlne, comprehensive guide on dismantling bombs should the worst ever happen, but all I'm getting is info on U2's last CD.
ElizaG: let me see what I can find for you..
You: Cool. Thanks
You: I can't remember, but atomic weapons are pretty much always fatal, right?
ElizaG: yes..I am pretty sure they are..
You: Are you having any luck finding anything on disarming them?
ElizaG: no...same thing you came up with
You: Fabulous. The militias are rising, Eliza. The streets aren't safe anymore. I'd find someone who has a fall-out shelter in case things come to a boiling point.
You: Especially now that we know U2 has ruined our chances on ever finding out how to disarm a bomb.
You: Can you find me distributors for fall-out shelters in the Midwest?
(about a minute silence)
ElizaG: let me see what I can find for you...
You: great.
You: I'd prefer something in Wisconsin, but Michigan or even Iowa wouldn't be the end of the world...
You: assuming I got there before then.
(2 minutes silence)
You: So, do you do this job from home, or how does that work?
ElizaG: from home
You: That's nice. Does it pay well?
ElizaG: decent
You: That's nice. Well, I only have a few more minutes before my civil defense class, so I'm going to take off.
You: Take care. Trust nobody.
You: Thanks, I'm done.
Status: Session ended.

[Raptor]

lets see what they say when I search for PLA related stuff!

[rbcp]

This service rules!  I searched for gay monkey porn and this is what I got:

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: EmilyS
EmilyS: Welcome to ChaCha!
EmilyS: Well well well.
EmilyS: The FBI may want to know about this.
You: I need gay monkey porn IMMEDIATELY!
You: Hurry, PLEASE, Emily!
EmilyS: Well, alright.
You: Just make sure it's GAY monkey porn, okay?
EmilyS: So like, let's be specific
EmilyS: Do you want monkeys that are the same gender doing the nasty?
You: Definitely
You: The more graphic, the better
EmilyS: What if they're different species of monkey?
EmilyS: What if they're baboons?
EmilyS: Can you tell the difference?
You: Oh hell no. I want American monkeys!
You: Call me racist if you must
You: I just don't fly that way.

She sends me a link for <a href="http://www.youtube.com/v/2oEhjMwhKq4&rel=1" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/v/2oEhjMwhKq4&rel=1</a>

You: Wow, thanks Emily!
You: This will be perfect!
EmilyS: I am here to serve
You: You wanna get together sometime and look at gay monkey porn?
EmilyS: Sadly, monkeys are not my thing.
You: Oh. Well, doesn't hurt to ask.
EmilyS: That's alright.
You: Thanks so much!
EmilyS: Different strokes for different folks
EmilyS: As the saying goes
EmilyS:
You: Have a super day!
EmilyS: You too
EmilyS: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.

[MattGSX]

They all work out of home on their own time, so they're pretty slow to report abuse. The last search companion I've had has never reported anything, but has refused several searches (this isn't the convo I posted).

They don't seem to be the most helpful, though. I applied to be a search companion, and I'm really hoping they contact me about it, because that'd be sweet.

[rbcp]

I did a search for Phone Losers of America...

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: sherric
sherric: Welcome to ChaCha!
sherric: Hi there. I will be helping with your search.
You: Great!
sherric: what can I help you find?
You: the Phone Losers of America
You: they hax0red me
sherric: do you know the name of the phone company?
You: It's not a phone company. They're an elite band of underground computer hax0rs, hell-bent on destroying my credit and social life.
You: They must be stopped!
You: I need the leader's home address and phone number too.
You: And his cell phone and social security number, if possible.
You: I'm going to make late-night prank calls to him
You: That'll show that scoundrel
sherric: I cant get all his personal information, but here are 3 links for you
You: Okay, I suppose that'll do
sherric: Are these results sufficient?
You: I'll use this to smash their empire
You: Yes, thank you very much!
sherric: Is there anything else on this topic I can find for you today?
You: No thanks
sherric: Thanks for using ChaCha! I hope you had a great search experience!
sherric: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.

[rbcp]

Live Guide Now is disabled because you have been involved in a possible abusive action. Our abuse alert is set at a low threshold to protect our visitors and guides.

If you feel that you have received this message in error, please e-mail us at abuse_resolution@chacha.com with a request for re-entry to our site.

We appreciate your feedback. Thank you.
---------------

Just for searching for hard core child pornography.  What jerks!  Google wouldn't treat me like this.

[Colonel Panic]

I like the "Please RATE ME" part.

I wish more women would say that.

[Colonel Panic]

Serarch: scrotum medical surgery


Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: JacquelineC
JacquelineC: Welcome to ChaCha!
JacquelineC: Hi there. I will be helping with your search.
You: Hi I need help
You: I have to find sometghing
You: som webpage that explain medical procedures
You: I have had an accident here
JacquelineC: What type?
You: um.
You: well I kind of
You: this is embarassing
JacquelineC: uhuh
You: but I hurt my balls
JacquelineC: And you can type?
You: I dont want to go to the hospital
You: yes
You: i use my hands to typre
JacquelineC: Not if you hurt there because thats where your hands would be now
You: i need to know how to stitch a wound
You: i'mmn using one hand
You: please hurry
JacquelineC: Stapler or crazy glue
You: please tjhis is not funny
You: hurts
JacquelineC: Clean the stapler with alcohol first
You: plese find me a dopctor webpage
JacquelineC: No I can not give any medical treatments over the internet , I won't be liable
You: pleeease
You: just find me a page
JacquelineC: Call a doctor
You: can you find me one/
JacquelineC: If you can type you can find your own medical procedures
JacquelineC: No man I know would stitch that up himself so no I don't believe you.
You: i dont have insurense
JacquelineC: So they can bill you
JacquelineC: later
JacquelineC: Thank you for using ChaCha!
Status: Session ended.

[MattGSX]

I like the "Please RATE ME" part.

I wish more women would say that.

A man has to be pretty confident to post a quote of himself making his previous post.

[Colonel Panic]

It was a mistake--a double post

[MattGSX]

to Panic:
Dude, that was the greatest thing I've ever read. I think I'm actually crying.

[MattGSX]

I probably got banned after this, but whatever. I think it was one of my better ones.
Search subject: Cooking with children

Are these results sufficient?
Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Guide not located.
Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: LoriM
LoriM: Welcome to ChaCha!
You: HI
LoriM: Hi!
You: I'm trying to find a good guide for cooking with children.
LoriM: I can help you
LoriM: let me get you some information
You: Cool. I'd want some recipes, safety precautions, the works.
You: Sure thing.
LoriM: You got it....one moment
You: let me look at that while I still have you on.
You: Can you hold for a moment?
LoriM: the results will stay
LoriM: even after we are finished
LoriM: let me get you one more
You: Cool.
LoriM: Are these results sufficient?
LoriM: Or would you like a few more?
You: Could you do one more search that's also food related?
LoriM: sure
You: I need a guide on maximizing stove capacity.
You: My stove is so small, I can only fit like, 2, 3 kids in it, tops
LoriM: let me see waht I can find
You: *chickens, not kids
LoriM: Ok.........gotcha
LoriM: just another moment please
You: yeah. I'm guessing I wouldn't even be able to fit one kid in my stove. I've never tried, though
LoriM: Are you looking to buy a new stove?
You: If I need to. Do you think the store will let me bring my kids along, to see if they can all fit in there.
You: ?
You: Just in case.
LoriM: ok
LoriM: right
LoriM: Have a nice day
You: Wait
You: I'm not planning on cooking them or anything
You: They just need to know the option is always there.
LoriM: Thank you for using ChaCha!
Status: Session ended.

[MattGSX]

One woman who takes her job too seriously.

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: CadyD
CadyD: Welcome to ChaCha!
You: Hi Cady!
CadyD: Hi! How can I help you today?
You: I need to find out what the legal grounds are to have a business press charges for "abuse of services"
CadyD: OK, let me see what I can find for you!
CadyD: Still searching...
You: That's fine.
You: I know at one point I was able find something with the search phrase PLA abuse of services
You: maybe if you tried that?
CadyD: Ok, I will try that, thanks.
You: Hm... Cady, you seem really nice, so I have to come clean on something.
CadyD: Hmm, that isn't working, I am getting a lot of results on drug abuse or abuse in general
You: A bunch of friends all had conversations with other Guides and posted them, coz they were friggin' hilarious, and I added that phrase to the page, hoping that you'd find it, and read some of the conversations.
CadyD: Would you like me to transfer you to a guide who may help you better?
You: Would you like to read the page?
CadyD: No, thank you, I don't find pranks against ChaCha funny
You: Okay
CadyD: Thanks for using ChaCha!

[MattGSX]

Last one for a while, I promise

Search field: Bypassing IP blocks

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: TashaW
TashaW: Welcome to ChaCha!
You: HI
TashaW: Hi there. I will be helping with your search.
You: TashaW: Welcome to ChaCha!. The extra "hi" is redundant, since you have an automated greeting
TashaW: Thank you for using ChaCha!
Status: Session ended.

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: DavidR
DavidR: Welcome to ChaCha!
DavidR: Thank you for using ChaCha!
Status: Session ended.

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: JosephS
JosephS: Welcome to ChaCha!
You: Hi Joseph
JosephS: Good evening.
JosephS: How can I help you today?
You: I'm trying to find a way to mask my IP address, or change, it, or something
JosephS: Thanks for coming to ChaCha! Give me a moment while I do all your searching for you!
You: sure
You: Those aren't QUITE it
JosephS: Thanks for being patient! Rest assured I'm finding the most relevant results for your search.
You: Say someone were to IP ban me for "abuse of services" or something silly like that. I need to find out how to get PAST that
You: Joseph, is there a Guide rated as a computer whiz, or is that you?
JosephS: You know what, you are pretty lucky that I'm even helping you with this problem of yours. If your banned, it's for a reason.
JosephS: I appreciate your patience while I find exactly what you need.
You: You're right, I'm sorry
JosephS: Thank you, now let me find it for you, because I assume no one else will.
You: I don't know about THAT. I could always just present it differently, like I was studying up on network security and need to know what vulnerabilities my security measures have.
JosephS: You could, so if you want to, ask me to transfer you.
You: Nah
You: You're doing a good job
JosephS: thanks
You: Unless you'd prefer to transfer me. That's okay
JosephS: Naw, I'm interested too.
You: Well, i'm going to get a coke while you look.
JosephS: Sure, no problem.
JosephS: The last one should be exactly what you need.
JosephS: I tried to find some free ones for you, but they are far and beyond.
JosephS: Are these results sufficient?
You: Hmm... that's pretty good
JosephS: Is there anything else on this topic I can find for you today?
You: That's it, I'll be sure to try that next time a Guide bans me
JosephS: Thanks for using ChaCha! I hope you had a great search experience!
JosephS: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.

[rbcp]

Search on "pranks on chacha guides"

Status: Looking for a guide ...
Status: Connected to guide: MarrianneP
MarrianneP: Welcome to ChaCha!
MarrianneP: pranks r us...how may I help you?
You: Hi! Was just looking for some good pranks to pull on chacha guides
You: I found this one, which is funny: http://www.phonelosers.org/forums/index.php?topic=882.msg8878;topicseen#new
You: wasn't sure if there's more
MarrianneP: well, there certainly are
MarrianneP: I'll send you some
You: great, thanks!
MarrianneP: well, that should giv you a couple nights good reading!
You: great, thanks so much!
MarrianneP: be sure to look for me in those pages
MarrianneP: I've been featured a few times
You: I'll do my best. It'll be like knowing a celebrity!
MarrianneP: My own mediocre attempt at humor has been highly amusing to myself....exactly
You: Bye Marrianne
MarrianneP: you have a great night
You: you too
MarrianneP: Please RATE ME. Thanks for using ChaCha.
Status: Session ended.

Here's the links she gave me:

http://forum.abestweb.com/showthread.php?s=218fa33d2963385788fccdb8533d0e0b&p=634308#post634308
http://forums.sohh.com/showthread.php?t=784361&page=9
http://www.somethingawful.com/spam/
http://www.pbnation.com/showthread.php?t=1872475