Bodies...

[M-26-7]

Dear Jammie,
I need to find a way to properly dispose of bodies. They're such a pain. First, I have to genocide this whole annoying little group of people, then I have to hide the bodies from those pesky spy satiellites. What should I do, I mean it's so hard to find good vat of acid today?

Thanks,
M

[mr_doc]

Use the desert my friend. Pour honey on the bodies and let nature take it's course. Just save the acid for the fingertips and break the teeth out and put them in a pill bottle with some lead weight and throw that in the ocean.

[jammie]

Use the desert my friend. Pour honey on the bodies and let nature take it's course. Just save the acid for the fingertips and break the teeth out and put them in a pill bottle with some lead weight and throw that in the ocean.

That sure is a lot of work mr_doc!

While I am a cop's daughter, it's always important to be prepared.  I am a big fan of burning them.  Bring it back to the old skool!  No acid or pulling teeth required.  Just find a nice camp site, bring a few weenies, and burn it up!  Also, it shouldn't be too difficult to collect any leftovers and like throw them in a river or something.  People report floating bodies... but floating teeth? naaaah.

In case you don't like my suggestion, I found a few other fun ones online:

• Vat of Acid
  I saw this on the local news. Some dude got a big ol' 55 gallon drum of acid and stuffed his dead girlfriend in it. Seemed like a cool idea except the guy was a real fucking dumbass and left the drum out on his balcony in the apartment building that he lived. Way to go genius. Neighbors tend to notice Shit like giant drums of acid with body parts sticking out of them when left out in the open.
• Hannibal the Cannibal
  Just eat the fucking thing. Butcher the body up like a fresh deer into all your favorite cuts from the grocery store. Roasts, loins, chops - and simply freeze until you're ready to eat! The best part of this tactic is all the money you'll save on your grocery bill for months!
• Burning Building
  Pros: The best way to say goodbye. No mess, and better still, no trail. Visit your local costume shop and buy a fireman’s coat and pants, and also pick up a police scanner at Radio Shack. When a fire’s announced on the emergency channel, get dressed, hop in the car, and bring your buddy! Make sure you choose the largest of the fires in your area, assuming you live in a large city. (If you don’t in live in a large city, what excuse have you got for killing people anyway?!)
  When you arrive, toss the body over your shoulder and run directly into the fire. Onlookers will be so stunned by your bravery, they’ll never notice what you’re carrying! Find a pleasant hot spot and chuck the corpse into a bed of flames. Make sure to get some soot on your cheeks, then run back outside and grab a beer with the other heroes—you’ve earned it!
  Cons: You may die.

Thanks for your question!
Love,
jammie

[silentneep]

Here's an interesting suggestion from the season end of Nip/Tuck:  Feed it, piece by piece, to a gator.  That's also actually one of the more popular theories regarding Jimmy Hoffa's missing body.

[splynt0r]

Humm, I would suggest burning the body and crushing the bones. 

[murd0c]

Feeding to gators would be good, but only if you live in the southern states could this be feasable.

What I do is create a false room behind a wall. Make sure its a dirt floor, bury the bodies about 2 feet underground, introduce fly larve (maggots) to speed decomposition, spread a thick layer of lime (or calcium oxide, if you will) to reduce the smell and seal it up. If you're smart, this will keep your body until you're ready to move out of your house and/or die. Whichever comes first.

Just remember, if the smell becomes too much and the neighbours start sniffin' around you're fucked. This is what happened to Gacy. So always use extra lime.

[Nod]

All I will say is, pigs eat ANYTHING and large boars can crush bones.

[MattGSX]

If "Snatch" taught us anything it's that you should always be careful around someone that owns a pig farm. You can dispose of bodies AND generate a profit!

[mr_doc]

Use the desert my friend. Pour honey on the bodies and let nature take it's course. Just save the acid for the fingertips and break the teeth out and put them in a pill bottle with some lead weight and throw that in the ocean.

That sure is a lot of work mr_doc!

While I am a cop's daughter, it's always important to be prepared.  I am a big fan of burning them.  Bring it back to the old skool!  No acid or pulling teeth required.  Just find a nice camp site, bring a few weenies, and burn it up!  Also, it shouldn't be too difficult to collect any leftovers and like throw them in a river or something.  People report floating bodies... but floating teeth? naaaah.

In case you don't like my suggestion, I found a few other fun ones online:

• Vat of Acid
  I saw this on the local news. Some dude got a big ol' 55 gallon drum of acid and stuffed his dead girlfriend in it. Seemed like a cool idea except the guy was a real fucking dumbass and left the drum out on his balcony in the apartment building that he lived. Way to go genius. Neighbors tend to notice Shit like giant drums of acid with body parts sticking out of them when left out in the open.
• Hannibal the Cannibal
  Just eat the fucking thing. Butcher the body up like a fresh deer into all your favorite cuts from the grocery store. Roasts, loins, chops - and simply freeze until you're ready to eat! The best part of this tactic is all the money you'll save on your grocery bill for months!
• Burning Building
  Pros: The best way to say goodbye. No mess, and better still, no trail. Visit your local costume shop and buy a fireman’s coat and pants, and also pick up a police scanner at Radio Shack. When a fire’s announced on the emergency channel, get dressed, hop in the car, and bring your buddy! Make sure you choose the largest of the fires in your area, assuming you live in a large city. (If you don’t in live in a large city, what excuse have you got for killing people anyway?!)
  When you arrive, toss the body over your shoulder and run directly into the fire. Onlookers will be so stunned by your bravery, they’ll never notice what you’re carrying! Find a pleasant hot spot and chuck the corpse into a bed of flames. Make sure to get some soot on your cheeks, then run back outside and grab a beer with the other heroes—you’ve earned it!
  Cons: You may die.

Thanks for your question!
Love,
jammie

IF I were to have a body to dispose of I would be pretty fucking thorough. A lot of work yes, but in the long run it would be much better than prison. Feeding individual parts to an alligator sounds like it would do the job but that would be messier and probably just as much work.

Word on the street is that cremation requires a LOT of heat and for many hours. That's why they have special ovens to do this. I'm just throwing this out because I don't think a campfire would do it.

A key element that people need to consider is leaving false clues to misdirect the police. You must plant evidence such as baboon hairs and muddy boots at the residence of the creepy janitor of the local high school. For further research into this, consult the movie 'Murder by Numbers' which is considered to be the authority on the subject. Remember that you can always just incriminate a different race by leaving a taco or ethnic item at the scene of the crime.

[silentneep]

Word on the street is that cremation requires a LOT of heat and for many hours. That's why they have special ovens to do this. I'm just throwing this out because I don't think a campfire would do it.

I've heard (but don't know how true it is) that you can achieve a hotter temperature for a longer time by wrapping the body before you burn it.  I was told something like some wool blankets or something else just as thermal-oriented would allow the body to get hot enough to burn thoroughly , bones and all.

[Altalp]

With cremation they still have to crush up the bones afterwards. So I doubt that just wrapping up the body in a wool blanket would let the body get hot enough to burn bone. I am sure if this were true the mortuaries would just do this.  If you have bones left, you will have marrow, so DNA can still be retrieved. Although DNA just provides identity to the body, it wont indicate how the person died.  If they don't know how the person died that just makes it harder for the police to pin the murder on someone.  BUT having no body is way better.  Another problem with burning is that teeth don't burn.  So you would have to take care of those as well.

You can always try dumping the body at a construction site one night.  Sneak in with the body and slip the body into a freshly poured slab of cement.  The only problem with this is that once the body starts to break down, It will create an air pocket in the cement.  This can pose a problem for the body being discovered.  The air pocket can create a weak spot in the cement causing it to crack and or collapse.  If this happens the cement will need to be repaired, then the body will be found. 

You can combine the burning method with the cement grave and just cement the bone and teeth.  This would be rather effective in hiding the remaining body parts, and it will be less likely to compromise the strength of the concrete structure therefor reducing your chances of the body being found.  You still have the problem of being seen.  Witnesses are a bitch.

There are several ways you can get rid of a body. Cutting it up in small pieces would seem like a good method, but it would leave lots of trace evidence all over the place.  I am afraid there is no clean and quick way to totally get rid of a body.  There are always witnesses and evidence.  You will just have to sit down and decide whether all the effort needed to cover yourself outweighs just putting up with the person you would like to kill.   If you have already made the rash move and murdered the person... good luck to you. 

[gangals]

Send the body up in space and when the body returns to earth's atmosphere, the heat generated should take care of everything.

[MattGSX]

You're always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece. Apparently, the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. When you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it's no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You gotta starve the pigs for a few days, but then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies' digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don't want to go sifting through pigshit, now do ya? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least 16 pigs to finish the job in one sitting so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about 8 minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the phrase, as greedy as a pig. 

[splynt0r]

I suggest , A bit like Matt, that you should cut it into pieces, then drive through Nevada and just hurl the parts into the desert.   

[MattGSX]

Mine is just a line lifted from Snatch. It would have made more sense just to edit my first post, but Brick Top is such a creepy fuck that it really deserved its own post to further my pig idea.