I'm an Aethiest. I love religion, I really do. I don't love religion in a snarky mean spirited way. I, I, unabashedly sincerely love that we have religion. Because if we didn't we wouldn't be here right now. Being all post modern and ironic. There’d be no civilization. If no one invented religion we would be fucked right now.
Because at the dawn of man civilization was the biggest and strongest and thats as far as we were gonna go. It was whoever was biggest fucked, killed, ate anything they wanted. That was it. Civilization was a huge psychopath with a club goin', "I'm gonna have rape for dinner". That was it. That was as far as we were gonna go. And then one of my ancestors, some weakling, said, "Look, there’s no way I'm gonna beat that guy. But what if I trick him into thinking that if he doesn't kill and rape people while he's down here when he dies there’s a magic city in the clouds and he can go up and have all the cake that he wants?" Now thats not a very well formed plan but he went and told the big psycho and the psycho heard that. He said, "Uhh, I like cake!"
*BOOM*
There ya go, that was the beginning of civilization. Now we can work on fire and writing and agriculture. It was the old sky cake dodge, and it worked! But, and by the way, things were great for while. Then, what was happening was that shit was going on all over the planet. They would just use different desserts. They would tell about sky cookies or sky pie or sky baklava. So as each of these civilizations grew they'd build ships and go visit each other and then the one guy would walk off the boat and go,
"Did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?"
And the first guy went, "Its cake mother fucker! You're dead!"
And then, oh my god there were dessert wars. It was a nightmare. They were just killing people. It got so bad that every now and then some dude would show up and go, "Hey, got good news! There’s cake and pie and cookies for everyone! We can all share!" And people said, "Nail him to a fucking cross! It is only cake! Oh my god! The only way sky cake tastes good is if up in the sky the sky cookie and sky pie people can't have the sky pie! Thats the only way sky cake tastes good! I did not spend my life NOT raping and killing people to NOT go up in the sky and have CAKE! SKY CAKE!!"
So the next time you see some douche bags in front of an abortion clinic or trying to ban a harry potter novel, just say, "Oh, Sky Cake. Why are you so delicious?"
