So a friend from high school, Bob, came over to our house the other day. Jim, my roommate, and I were all hanging out drinking and carrying on and Bob asks us if we wanted to go to a party later. We weren’t sure because we really didn’t like him too much but we decided to anyway. We get there around 11pm and I’m holding a box of dr peppers and a big ass bottle of jack. We walk in and I see 2 girls and 3 guys not including my roommate and myself. The girls are pretty decent looking so we decide to stay for a while despite the amount of potential cock blocking that may follow. I make myself the usual 5 finger mix drink and get my game face on.
We start playing beer pong and hanging out on the balcony and Bob starts telling my roommate that he should go for this one girl named Laura. Little did we know that Bob has had a crush on her for a few months now. Why he decided to try and hook Jim up with her is still a mystery. He then starts playing the middle man because Laura trusts Bob, and since he trusts Jim then he must be ok, right? He goes and tells Laura that Jim thinks she’s cute and all this shit and then Jim goes over to talk to her. They seem to hit it off and then we start playing beer pong. Jim and Laura are paired up while I’m with the other girl Stephanie. We play a couple of rounds while Bob and the other 2 guys sit in the background unnoticed. Things are good. As the night progresses I notice Bob getting more and more edgy about what he had done. We play about 5 rounds of beer pong, of which my team lost every one, because the girl didn’t seem like the one night stand type, and a sloppy drunk is fine with me as long as I don’t get puked on and that warm hole is still warm. Then, Jim and Laura say they’re going to go to sleep and as they shut the door I heard a faint thud behind me, of which I presume to be Bob’s jaw on the ground. He was under the false notion that she was a “good girl” and that she didn’t do such things. Wrong. I heard later that she did everything a guy could want and more. A few minutes later I had the Stephanie chick up on the counter and I was rounding first base at a full sprint. Bob and the other 2 guys realize that the night is pretty much finished and excuse themselves. Bob is not happy.
The current potential and I are in the kitchen basically dry humping the cabinets loose when I hear “MORTAL KOMBAT” come from Laura’s room. Without missing a beat I yell “FINISH HER” in turn and fall on the ground laughing. Fortunately both girls thought it was hilarious. Things are really good. I ask Stephanie if she’d like to go to a more appropriate venue and she’s under the impression that it’s wrong to fuck in someone else’s bed. So we end up on the couch. I’m stuck playing pickle between second and third base because she still has some shred of dignity that all the alcohol has failed to strip away. She keeps slapping my hand away and finally I just say fuck it and go for it. It was like I unleashed a fucking demon. I swear to god this girl went from mildly playful to “I want to eat your dick like a kielbasa sausage” in under a second. She was moaning so loud that my roommate woke up from his post sex comatose because he thought I was killing her. We both end up naked and she won’t let me stick it in without a condom. So, I put my pants back in and go to get one from Jim. The door is locked. I walk into the bathroom, locked as well. I’m pissed. I have a naked girl on the couch, ready to fuck, and all I need is a condom. Also, I honestly don’t think I’m going to be able to get away with just shoving my dick inside her. She’ll either get pissed, or I will be the next morning when I’m pissing bullets. So, I start turning the door handle as hard as I can, and the fucking thing falls off. I am very happy at this. I walk in and proceed to grab Jim by his face and shake him violently all the while saying “I need a rubber. Tell me you have a fucking condom.” Laura wakes up and says “Bob if you fuck my cousin, I’m going to fucking shank you.” I disregard this. Jim tells me that the only condom he has is on the floor and I’m welcome to it. Only then do I take in my surroundings. There’s clothes everywhere, not one, but 3 condoms on the floor, she’s naked, and has dried semen all over her tits. It looked like Ike and Tina Turner just had a 15 hour fist fight. Realizing that there isn’t an unused rubber in ~5 miles, I stalk back into the living room and try to convince her to do it without one, or to at least get me off. Not happening. I’m fucking pissed.
Without saying a word, I slam the door, start to leave, walk back inside, grab my bottle of jack, slam the door again, and start walking. I’m walking down the road drinking a quarter full bottle of jack with my thumb out stumbling around when I realize that I actually have money. So I call a taxi and proceed to sit on the curb and wait. When he pulls up he looks at me and says, “Looks like you had a rough night,” and for a reply I spray vomited all over the ground. He wasn’t having any of that and told me to call another taxi, which I did. The second one arrived and I managed to get in the car and tell him where I was going without ruining his fine beaded headrest. We start talking about how he deals with people that try to rip him off and about two miles from my house it hits me like a fucking wrecking ball. I turn to puke out the window but it’s rolled up. So instead I projectile vomit into the window and all over his cab. He flies off the road screaming get out get out and I make it to the concrete just as I finish. I turn around and watch it dripping off the door and look at the wretched mess I’ve made in his car and on myself. So I look him right in the eye and tell him “Well… there’s not much to say, so here’s the 12 dollars I owe you,” and started walking again. He passed me about 10 minutes later yelling cocksucker out the window. I arrive home and am in no mood to go to sleep so about 4 hours later, around noon I call the potential from the night before, make up some bullshit story, and she agrees to come over. Everything went smoothly because I have a fucking family pack of condoms in my room. The next day I hear that Bob had confronted Laura and asked her why she would never go out with him and why she would just hook up with my roommate after knowing him for an hour. She slammed the door in his face. Neither my roommate or myself have heard from him since.
The day after she came over I get this txt because I had convinced her that she was everything I was looking for and she was contemplating breaking up with her current bf, and I was contemplating fucking her again. I’ll tell a girl she’s beautiful, amazing, I love her, whatever just to fuck her. The way I figure it is, she can fake an orgasm, I can fake an entire relationship.
zerodayexile.com
~Tully
