So, yesterday I had a girl I’d met in school come up to visit me. She says that she’s bringing a friend. I assume that her friend is either going to be DTF or at least be able to show one of my room mates a good time. I get the call that their at my house and walk outside to greet them like a good host and find one of the most vile disgusting people I have ever seen standing in my yard. Chin length hair parted right down the middle of her scalp that looks like it had a mixture of gum and semen knotted in it for weeks along with the exact facial features of nancy pelosi. She rivals this god forsaken creature.
I seriously felt like the value of my house drastically dropped when she stepped over the threshold. She wasn’t fat, she just had one of those faces that would make you wish you were born blind so that you would have never been subjected to something that hideous. Now, I’m not saying she’s a terrible person or anything, I’ll say that later in this post. Although, I will say that I can understand why the girl I was with brought her along. She looked like Carmen fucking Electra when she stood next to her.
So, after I had choked back the bile and vomit threatening to erupt from my heavy-laden jaw. I introduced them to my room mates like a good host, and soon realized that I had no wingman for the night because neither of my room mates would touch that girl with a 10ft. pole. That is really saying something because both of them will fuck anything moderately attractive with 2 legs and a vagina. So, realizing this, I immediately assume that I will have to carry the extra burden and appease not only the girl I’m trying to plow but her Sandra Bernhard looking friend. I pick a movie that any American born will enjoy, The Hangover, and we settle down to watch it. The unibrow pitt bull face of a female immediately starts bitching about being cold in the dead of winter so I go to retrieve some blankets which I hoped would have helped get the potential one night stand in the mood. To my dismay however, I keep getting the hand block that means “you can hold my hand but you can’t touch my twat while she’s in the room because it makes me feel uncomfortable.” So, needless to say I was fucking pissed off at this. After this atrocious scene was concluded, my friends, the potential, and a female Steve Buscemi go out on the town and leopard face convinces the potential that she should get a tat in the middle of her fucking back. Seriously? If you don’t realize what that means I’ll explain it for you. It means that she is going to either A. be afraid to fuck up the tat and not want to do ANYTHING on her back or B. it’s going to hurt too much for her to be sliding back and forth on it all night. After that we get some food and go back to my house. I put on Paranormal Activity in hopes that the scary movie tactic will do the trick and I make some headway. The goblin was too scared to watch most of it and that allowed me to work a little magic on the sly. Then, I was blessed beyond anything i deserve. One of the most fundamental of human needs that I have taken for granted for 20+ years. The need for sleep. Elephant face says she has to be home early and needs to get some rest. Then, low and behold she pulls out another fucking treacherous act that no man should ever have to endure. She says that she doesn’t want to sleep alone, and of course her friend thinks that’s a necessity she shouldn’t be forced to do without. I realize that it’s do or die time. I offer to clean her tat up while her friend goes to lay down. This kind act gets her alone with me in the bathroom and, modesty aside, I show her a taste of what she’d be getting.
With that I pretty much sealed the deal. She went into the adjacent room, told her friend she wasn’t tired, and that she wanted to watch Blindside really bad. I did turn on Blindside since she asked me to, but at a very low volume. Then, I proceeded to fuck her as loudly as I possibly could, banging my headboard against the wall with a mixture of her moaning and me screaming at the top of my lungs for over three hours. I wanted to rub it in that dirty bitches face that all her efforts to thwart my plans to defile her friend were to no avail. She did end up sleeping with her friend because I wanted taco cabana and the deed was already done. I was also warmly greeted the following morning by a well rested and newly found playmate. Although, that was short lived. The girl who looks like you multithreaded every major std and piped that into facial appearance walks in and pretends to be genuinely intrigued by the show Scrubs. I politely look her in the face, something i hope i NEVER have to do again, and tell her that we have plenty of milk and cereal in the kitchen and that she should go make herself a big breakfast. Apparently, she was either pissed at me, had no intentions of enduring what happened last night, or was just a complete fucking retard and doesn’t understand what a fucking subtle hint is. Personally I think it was the latter. I then grudgingly put my pants on and walk them to the their car, saying my goodbyes, and walking back inside. After that, since my room mate doesn’t understand common courtesy, in 20 degree weather, and blocks me in in the driveway, I walk down to the local gas station and buy me a red bull and a can of snuff. While walking back with the arctic wind in my face, staring at the ground, i spot a 50 dollar bill right where their car had been parked. It was laying right where the passenger door had been and I had seen the grotesquely featured inbred pocket it last night. So, obviously I picked it up and place it in my own pocket. I plan to spend every cent of it on rubbers to be used on her friend. Just to spite the cock blocking hussy.
This should be a lesson to everyone. If you are the 3rd wheel, and you ARE NOT explicitly told by BOTH parties that your presence is welcomed. Leave them the fuck alone, and for damn sure take a fucking hint when they want you to get the fuck away. I hope you enjoyed this story at least 1/10th as much as I enjoyed getting revenge on one of my more challenging opponents.
zerodayexile.com
~Tully
