So Raptor and I are trading threads. He's going to review something musical for me, and in return, I get to review something non-musical for a change.
I'd like to ask you to step into my world.
I'm outside, on a break at work. I'm still pissed off from the last phone call I took. I slap my pockets; fuck, I'm out of cigarettes. I look for another self-destructive chap outside. I walk the break area. Go back inside, check with a few friends. Apparently everyone's bone dry, or just sick of bumming to me. Frustrated, I storm back outside so I can curse more freely. My foot catches something - the ashtray. The ashtray filled with less than half-smoked cigarettes.
I have officially hit bottom.
That's right, I smoked a complete stranger's reburn. They could have had herpes, they could have had avian flu, but you know what? I wanted a fucking cigarette.
And I got one.
A day or two shy of a week later, I wake up to a splitting headache and flu-like symptoms. My body aches, I'm running a terrible fever, and it hurts to swallow. I go to the student health center, very concerned about a recent mumps outbreak, and they give me the good news. My stranger gave me fucking mono.
For anyone who hasn't had mono, it's easily one of the fucking greatest semi-long term illnesses I've gotten to endure. I'm now on my ass at least 80% of my time awake, which (according to my doctor) should be for no more than 14 hours per day. Crazy, because I thought I was 20, not 10. I'm not allowed to go to work, my brother (who I share an apartment with) won't let me in half the rooms because he fears I'm contagious, and I'm pretty much quarantined to my bed, my couch, and the bathroom. I have to drink at least 10 glasses of fluids, can't smoke, can't drink alcohol, can't play tackle sports, can't engage in rough sexual play, can't hold my viola up to my fucking throat, much less stand long enough to get a good practice in, I can't talk well enough to be understood worth half a damn, and I have this to look forward to for the next 10 days to fucking 6 months. I'm pretty sure I have to go back to class after the weekend, don't know how that's supposed to work.
Sorry, my review turned into whining.
Mono - A disease that infects the spleen and liver, causing them to become enlarged, soft, and susceptible to damage. Also causes body aches, fatigue, sore throat, general discomfort, ear pain, large amounts of mucus buildup and drainage, and other unique symptoms.
Pros - You have an excuse to sit on your ass all day and pop pills. The symptoms mask my nicotine withdrawal, since I'm never fucking smoking again after this. You tend to lose weight, because you can't fucking stomach food and either piss out or drain (as snot) all the liquids you take in. You get to find out just how many movies you can watch in a day, or if you can really read an entire novel in one sitting.
Cons - It hurts too much to fucking think. Any muscles you have built up will be long gone if you stick to the prescribed amount of bedrest (ie. all your waking time). You lose your sex drive (you either can't focus because of the pain or because of the pills, your choice). You can't fucking stomach food, but you need a healthy diet to get better = more pills. 10 glasses of water in a day + no food = pissing every 45 minutes (and don't forget, it hurts your head and ears to walk). No kissing. No alcohol. No tackle sports. No rough sex. No strenuous activity. All symptoms but fatigue will generally fade in a 10-day cycle, but these cycles (along with the fatigue) can persist for up to 6 months. Oh yeah, your spleen can also rupture in your sleep, killing you.
I've had a 3 year bout with strep throat, an entire winter ruined by influenza, a few hospital trips because of severe tonsillitis, the shame of a tonsillectomy just before graduation, and a small bout with bronchitis. This still is easily the fucking worst time I've ever had sick.
So, if you can't think of a way to spend a week or even a few months but know you want to spend it in utter misery, may i recommend mono?
0/10
